Killing someone was a lot harder when you knew how the dying part felt. It was another level of consciousness really. Like having to wash dishes everyday at 5am. Being my own professional dishwasher at the crack of dawn wasn’t how I preferred to start my mornings but I did. And for that reason I became a lot more cognoscente of what I did the night before in order to avoid too many dishes the following morning. So that often meant using the same cup and threatening to kill others for making large messes the night before but it still happened because I still reported for duty at 5am everyday.
But that’s not really why you’ve come here. You’re interested in the dying part, I know. How did I come back? Why? Well those are easy to answer because the how, well, I fought. The why you ask? Why-
For you.
“So I hear the world is coming to an end and you’ve been paired with Simon?” Lindsay said, “I mean it’s probably not that bad right?”
Wrong.
“Yeah, he probably just acts that way in groups you know, maybe once it’s just you and him alone in the lab he’ll actually you know, turn into a human and emote,” Tamara chimed in.
I scoffed and tried to ignore their good natured intentions but the truth was the idea of having to work on a project with anyone, let alone Simon Torres, felt murderous. I hated projects which involved “team” anything or “partnering” or “collaborating” or … insert your political corrective term for defining an activity that involves grouping people together for some kum-bi-yah failure. I hated it. I always hated it and up until this point I’d cleverly avoided it. It wasn’t as though I’d gotten away with it in high school completely but where there was a will there was a way. College challenged that.
“But you know it’s kind of your fault,” Tamara added. I wanted to poke those beautiful brown eyes of hers that I’d always joked about stealing. It was true that I had brought this on myself.
“Oh yeah, the match, right? You made a bet with Professor Casper that no one could beat your score”. I rolled my eyes and looked down at my watch, five hours before I had to meet up with Simon.
“By the way has he come to a class yet,” Tamara asked as she bit down on her double chocolate cookie. I’d recently developed an issue with a lot of foods it seemed and couldn’t keep much down so I just settled on water and broths. Everyone thought I was dieting but really I’d become afraid to eat so while people were congratulating me on my weight loss I was silently fuming over the sort of world I lived in as a curvy female. Well a female slowly losing her curves.
“He’s supposed to be coming in on the final day,” I said thankful for a change in topic. “I don’t think anyone has ever met Professor Casper actually. Since he’s had that unknown medical condition since he switched from his last school.”
“I think he’s actually a vampire. It’d explain why he’s only available at night,” Lindsay said as she popped her straw out to lick the last of her banana milkshake. It smelled so banana-y and I just wanted a taste.
I shook my head, “I’m heading out. I don’t think I can stand to sit in this food court of torture another second. Catch up later,” I said and I could hear Tamara promising some sentiment which meant they’d be more sensitive to my diet and Lindsey discarding her milkshake but that’s not what I wanted. I wanted to be able to have a life without anyone feeling they had to accommodate me. It wasn’t that I had to be alone, I just found it easier to not be pitied for my own shortcomings.
Unlike Tamara’s predictions much to my relief Simon Torres was no different once isolated from the classroom. He was still the same kid whose emotional radar registered zero and spoke very little which given my own work ethnic worked out pretty well. We were preparing a presentation to deliver to a group of kids at a local charity that Professor Casper headed up to empower young girls. Since I was at the top of my class Professor Casper had originally reached out to me to see if I’d be interested in being the face of female engineers and talking a bit about it and some of the projects I’d’ worked on. But I wasn’t enough. He hadn’t said that but in some ways it felt like he had. I never quite understood why he felt the need to challenge my ‘one-alone’ mentality.
But even more surprising than that was Simon Torres. He was a quiet student and he did decently on test. I couldn’t quite place where his sudden drive had come from. The bet between me and the professor was one that hadn’t been particularly hidden, it was on the online class forum but most of the students didn’t use it, even though it was a requirement. As I turned around to look at Simon, we both were sitting at separate lab tables so his back was to me, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he’d seen the bet. But then what might that imply if he had?
We worked in silence on our respective bots. You would think we’d need to be a lot more talkative if we were supposed to be presenting in just a few short weeks but Professor Casper had a plan for us to compete, who could design the best bot, and I too had a plan. Something that one upped Professor’s Casper idea and while I couldn’t see his response I’m sure it rendered a smile. At least I liked to think so.
So for three weeks this is where Simon and I would meet. For those three weeks I learned how quickly ones life could change.
The first few nights in Simon’s company was uneventful. We were both working on original concepts and without saying much slowly he began to observe what I was doing. Simon often got to the lab before me and I’d seen him in my space a few times. His wet brown hair looking over my sketches, him tilting his glasses back. Unlike the evening class at 3 on Monday and Wednesday where he wore contact lenses, at night when we met in the lab he choses glasses. I wasn’t sure why his hair was always wet but it wasn’t a bad look and it didn’t drip onto my papers so I hadn’t complained. I’d watch him for a few minutes before going back down the hall to make some sort of ruckus to announce I was nearing. By the time I arrived in the room he’d be at his table working as if he hadn’t been in my space at all. He always left it just as I had it, remembering every angle the paper sat, which was closest to the edge, and the piece of gum I sometimes used to dangle papers off the table-
I’d made it a point to never look at his own work despite being curious. And I stuck to that promise though Tamara hadn’t believed me when I told her. I was reconfiguring a port when my stomach decided to disrupt the silence. My cheeks reddened and though I sat up straight I was too afraid to turn around to see if Simon had even noticed. How could he not?
I hated it. It shouldn’t have been a big deal but I felt the unfairness hit me. The ‘why’ me parade wanting to chime in and have it’s moment but I fought it. Without warning I heard Simon’s stool scratch against the floor and when I looked up he was out the door. Which only made the chatter grow worse, the self hate impede, and nothing would let up. My chest felt tight. I gripped the lab table and tried to count, sometimes that helped but the tears, I could feel them as they gathered. If I dared open my eyes at ten there would be no stopping them. I sat in the lab crying with my eyes closed when I heard a sack plopped down in front of me. I heard Simon’s stool move again and the sound of him at work.
I hadn’t pulled the contents out of the bag immediately, afraid it’d be something I couldn’t eat and I’d have to be rude but when I found my fingers curving around the familiar shape of a cup of ‘to g’o soup I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know how to feel. I just know that I had.
I never said thank you aloud. I left a note for Simon thanking him since I often stayed later. So when he left I placed the note at his station. When I arrived the next day it was gone. I just assumed he’d taken it but I worried, what if he really hadn’t gotten it. What if it got buried beneath an avalanche of papers, what if someone took it thinking there was money in it only to discover I was cheap and didn’t put money in envelopes. Simon hadn’t said a word. And I never skipped dinner again.
One day it rained and Simon put on music which I thought was strange but I hadn’t said anything. The next night it rained again, and again he turned on the station. There was no rhyme or reason for the station he chose, I imagined it was tuned into whatever the last person left it on but when it didn’t rain the radio didn’t come on. I became curious but still we hadn’t spoke.
“He watches you,” Tamara said from out of nowhere causing Lindsey to raise her brow and me to choke on my strawberry infused water.
“Excuse me,” I said not sure where that had come from and not really wanting to know.
“Remember last week I told you I planned on stopping by.”
“Yeah, and I also remembered you not doing that.”
Tamara shook her head, “But I did. I walked by and was about to enter but I wanted to sneak up on you two but when I got there I couldn’t. It was weird. Like Simon couldn’t see that I was there because he was slightly turned the opposite way but he was watching you work and it was, well…”
“Just spit it out Tamara, geesh!” Lindsay cried out. Out of all of us I think she was the most impatient when she went without food and both of them, right now, were attempting to be satisfied with just strawberry infused water.
“He smiled.”
“For pete’s sake,” Lindsey said and she threw back the rest of her water as if it were a beer. I half expected her to crush the glass against her head. She seemed to be in that kind of mood but I was distracted.
He smiled. Simon was smiling. I still didn’t know how I felt. I just knew that I had. And again now.
Throughout the entire process Professor Casper kept tabs on us to check the progress of our work, it was mostly through the forum on a private post where he had only invited me and Simon. I don’t know if Simon ever accepted the invitation.
Professor: “I saw the bots. There almost done. What about the presentation?”
Student 482-1293L: “Yeah they are. I think the kids will like it.”
Professor: “And how about the presentation? What words do you two plan on giving to young impressionable minds?”
Student 482-1293L: “All of the best words known to Myriam Webster of course!”
Professor: “I’ll see you both in class tomorrow.”
Student 482-1293L: “YOU’RE GOING TO BE THERE TOMORROW?!”
Professor: “Just a figure of speech. Have a nice evening.”
Student 482-1293L: “Night Prof”
I caught myself. I’d almost called him Professor Casper though I think the Professor was familiar with the nickname he shared with one friendly ghost. I was leaving the library and on the way to the lab when I saw Simon with his wet head of hair running in the direction of the lab when he collided with another guy attempting to catch a Frisbee. From my end it all happened in slow motion. The impact caused Simon’s glasses to get knocked off in the process. I ran over as Frisbee dude shouted expletives, basically blaming Simon for the collision.
What started as a light run became a lioness run and before I knew it my fist were clenched on my sides and I was standing between Simon and stupid Frisbee dude. “How dare you!? Why don’t you try watching where the hell your going next time? Or better yet playing over in the damn field away from the rest of us that actually intend to do something with our education you waste of sperm scum.”
A hand was placed on my shoulder. I hadn’t seen it but Simon had gathered up his stuff and shook his head as if to say ‘it’s not worth it’. But my cheeks were hot and it felt very much worth it.
“Yeah tame that,” Frisbee idiot said before snatching the disk from the ground and running back toward his friend to speak crap from out of ear shot.
I opened my mouth but no words came out. I don’t think I’d ever heard Simon talk. Maybe he couldn’t. Maybe he was mute. And I wanted to say something like ‘sorry’ or ‘are you okay’ or ‘that dude was a douche’ or … … But nothing came so I shook my head in resignation and we headed to the lab together. Once there I sat my stuff down and started to walk to the restroom when I heard a very soft voice mumble, “thank you.” I think I smiled.
A couple nights before the presentation I had beat Simon to the lab. There was rain in the forecast and rather than risk having my book-bag and the contents of it soaked I opted to grab dinner from the cafeteria for the both of us. I wasn’t sure what Simon liked so in turn I ended up over spending and knew most of this would probably end up as food scavenged by my roommates later.
Though time passed and the food grew cold. Simon hadn’t arrived. The rain poured heavy and I worried maybe there was some legitimate fear to the rain for him, some bad association that I should have asked about but never did. At 7:30 I found myself going outside to scan the lot. It didn’t take long for me to get soaked which is why five minutes later I stood near the window in the lab looking into the darkness for movement.
I saw nothing.
Unconsciously I turned on the radio, a jazz station played, thunder clapped, and a Sade song started just as I heard a bag hit the ground. I turned around and found my eyes locked onto Simon. His brown hair dripping, his glasses slightly fogged, and there was a cut on his lip. There was a million different ways this moment could have gone but I could only think of one I desired.
I walked over to Simon. Removed his glasses. His eyes scanned my own and slowly they roamed from my eyes to my lips. The same hand that had once found my shoulder did so again as he pushed back my shirt to kiss my shoulder. I initiated this encounter.
But Simon finished it.
“I nearly died several weeks ago. My mysterious illness had finally did some damage and landed me in God’s Waiting Room for all of 30 seconds before I was revived. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to be here when my partner,” and my eyes found Simon on the side of the stage watching me closely, "came to present our bots. I heard a lot of you had questions and for that reason I wanted to come back.”
How did you come back?
“To start you have to know both our bots were designed to be better than the other…”
Why did you come back?
“That was our Professors challenge.”
I fought.
“But I told my professor what if we designed something that could work independently but worked better together when they merged…”
For you.
“You see we could have created bots for the pure reason to destroy just to excite you all in a glorious explosion of tech and get you interested in the sciences. But lets be practical, when you’re familiar with the feel of something, you become a lot more aware of it-”
I could feel Simon’s eyes on me.
I found myself smiling and when I sneaked a peak at him, there was a smile waiting for me too.
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