2016 Resolution Year End Update

It's been a while since I've updated.  Per usual I'm going to try to start off on a good track next year and see it through by hopefully updating this more often.

However I think I did pretty darn good at accomplishing many of my goals this year and before I do my year end letter to 2016 and post my 2017 resolutions here's exactly how I did: 

1. Complete the revision for another novel (TYW or OTTM/TMO) - Nope :(
2. Complete the first draft for an open project (i.e. the revenge deity story, faux immortality story, porch story, or mistress for hire)
3. Aim for 10 - 15k / per month (daily goal will be 500) - Not sure I succeeded here either -_-
4. Pay off 2 additional debts (most likely two credit cards) - - COMPLETE - Chase & PricelineRV
5. Self publish a work  - Nope... but I do have a cover now
6. Write 15 short stories - Nope but did write 3
- My Dedicated Valentine
- Dark Lies
- I1 - The Feeding
7. Visit/travel to a new place - Yep, visited Syracuse/Clinton, NY
8. Learn something new (tap class, 10 Mandarin character/per mth, or ...) - Well I technically learned how to skate until I took a bad fall -_- ... so sort of on this one
9. Read 40 books - In Progress... 41 read so far
10. Watch 10 new movies (half while still in theaters) -So done it's overcooked ^_^ - This year I watched "The Peanuts Movie", "The Fifth Wave"', "How to be Single", "Deadpool", "London Has Fallen", "10 Cloverfield Lane", "Miracles From Heaven", "and "Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice" (twice), "The Jungle Book", "The Boss", "The Barbershop", "Captain American: The Civil War", "The Darkness", "X-Men Apocalypse", "Me Before You", "TMNT: Out of the Shadows", "Finding Dori", "Independence Day", and some others... "Ghostbusters", "Now You See Me 2", "Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates", "Ben Hur", "Pete's Dragon", "Suicide Squad", "Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children", "A Madea Halloween","This Christmas", "Dr. Strange", "Fantastic Beast and Where to Find Them", "Rogue One", "Collateral Beauty", "Passengers",  and"Moana",  and I think that's it....

The July Post

So not even ten minutes ago I was folding laundry and running through the mental to do list also known as 'you're slacking...' when I was thinking about the short stories I've written for the year which hasn't been a lot.  I'm behind but what struck me, what made me stop folding and return to my laptop was that I could only remember one short story. 

Why does it matter?  Because I've literally only written 3-4 short stories this year and I could only remember the one however I wrote like 14 last year and could remember just about every one of those.  Even the ones I didn't like that much.  So I thought 'they must not have been memorable'...I mean surely I should remember what I've written this year even amongst the finished drafts.  So I stopped folding to look them up and in re-reading them realized I hadn't made a July update. 

1. Complete the revision for another novel (TYW or OTTM/TMO) - In Progress... Sort of
2. Complete the first draft for an open project (i.e. the revenge deity story, faux immortality story, porch story, or mistress for hire)
3. Aim for 10 - 15k / per month (daily goal will be 500) - In Progress
4. Pay off 2 additional debts (most likely two credit cards) - - COMPLETE - Chase & PricelineRV
5. Self publish a work  - In Progress... 
6. Write 15 short stories - 3 so far
- My Dedicated Valentine
- Dark Lies
- I1 - The Feeding
7. Visit/travel to a new place
8. Learn something new (tap class, 10 Mandarin character/per mth, or ...) - In Progress...
9. Read 40 books - In Progress... 23 of 40 so far
10. Watch 10 new movies (half while still in theaters) - DONE!  It's been a movie watching sort of year.  I've seen - "The Peanuts Movie", "The Fifth Wave"', "How to be Single", "Deadpool", "London Has Fallen", "10 Cloverfield Lane", "Miracles From Heaven", "and "Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice" (twice), "The Jungle Book", "The Boss", "The Barbershop", "Captain American: The Civil War", "The Darkness", "X-Men Apocalypse", "Me Before You", "TMNT: Out of the Shadows", "Finding Dori", "Independence Day"

Seen so many movies this year -_-

And now that I've satisfied that urge I shall return to laundry, the mental slacking run down, problem solve for MD, and figure out my next SS.  Fun times!

Short Story - Interpretation #1 of "The Feeding"

This is the first of a handful of short stories inspired by the following piece-
https://www.artstation.com/artwork/YrV1P

Word Count:  620

Already the child had acclimated.  The human smell prominent the moment she neared the threshold of the nursery.  A window was open.  Carrying the scent of lavender to rest the wicked and death to comfort the dark. 

Already the price had been paid.  Countless were the minutes she’d spent masquerading around the elaborate costume party.  Numerous were the days she’d spent plotting this moment.  Undetermined were the amount of years she’d regret her decision.  Anonymous, the baby remained.

                Already she’d arrived too late.  The surrogate mother collapsed near the door, blocking her from expanding further.  Still the party carried on downstairs.  The child, the dying human, the party, the smells, oh the smell of it all had the power to intimidate.  To cause one to shrink into their doubts.  To hide from the reality of what was happening and how there had never been an option to simply turn back around. 

                Already she’d come too far.  She, the masked visitor, would not be so easily deterred.  Pushing against the door.  The crrrreak of its rusted hinge.  The ‘ughhh’ of a ghost not yet ready to be dead.  The adorable slurp of a nursing child.  Its sing song coo that followed as it drained the life of the only mother it’d ever known.  Could the child still be regarded as innocent as it took what was given? 

                Already the Risen sent out their echo.  The trees vibrated with its sound.  The masked visitor noticing the bounce of the streetlight from the window.  The signal was sturdy.  The night mischievous.  There would be no confusion with the urgency in the message.  The echo was a confirmation.  It was a warning.  The Risen knew.

                Already the child crawled.  The partial slump of the human mother collapsing forward.  Was she reaching for the crawling baby?  The baby, so small, yet so advanced made its way to the window.  Too small to understand the draw of the echo, too ignorant to recognize it signaled its death.  The masked visitor observed the baby, now faced with it, unsure of what to feel.  Had she made the right decision in her participation?  Had she chosen correctly in adhering to the plans of the Risen?  There was no shortage of Underworld sects and yet she’d followed the path with the least options. 

                Already the echo grew in strength.  It wouldn’t be much longer she could bare to ignore it.  She watched as the small child, the baby, attempted to stand.  So small she thought.  She saw.  So small, again, she noted.  She would not be strayed.  No tender smile perked her face.  No sting graced a tear.  No beat her cold heart missed. 

Already…

                “Come, come, my child,” the masked visitor whispered, “come, come my child,” she edged louder.  “Come, come,” she sang to drown out the echo.  “Come, come, my darling.”

                Already the child was entranced.  Paused from its earlier plight and now facing the masked visitor.  So small once more.  She began to make her way to the child.  In turn the child, unable to ignore the call, was drawn to her.  The child smiled.  Drool at the corners of its blood stained lips.  The masked visitor adjusted her head piece, pulling down the arms of her dress, bearing more skin, enticing the marked child with the ripe flesh it craved.  She stepped forward when her dress was caught. 

                “Please,” the ghost said clutching the hem.  “Please don’t.” 

                Already too much time had collapsed.  The baby, now at the hem of her dress, pulled upright.  The masked visitor reached down for it.  The music downstairs suddenly gone.  The lavender candles blown out.  The darkness no longer comforted.  The Risen had arrived too late. 

               

                Already the feeding had ended. 

June Check In

I've gotten to the point of monthly check ins.  Aw life...  I'm really going to try to move toward at least posting once a week and hopefully working on 2 shorts this month since I'm behind. 

While I'm mentally making notes for what I want to do with this next draft of MD I've been trying to feed my brain this past month.  At the recommendation of my manager I checked out the first book in the Southern Reach trilogy and recently ordered the next two books through the library.  And I think it did the trick so I'm anxious to get started on it while still trying to balance my backlog of books -_-

I have several sci-fi books I had intended to have read by the time I picked up MD again but I still wasn't feeling as though it was right.  I know part of that is just writer neurosis and I have to let go at sometime but -_-  ... ... I think I need one more go at it to feel good.

Resolution status:
1. Complete the revision for another novel (TYW or OTTM/TMO) - In Progress... 
2. Complete the first draft for an open project (i.e. the revenge deity story, faux immortality story, porch story, or mistress for hire)
3. Aim for 10 - 15k / per month (daily goal will be 500) - In Progress
4. Pay off 2 additional debts (most likely two credit cards) - - COMPLETE 
5. Self publish a work  - In Progress... 
6. Write 15 short stories - SUPER Behind :(
7. Visit/travel to a new place - In Progress...  Sort of
8. Learn something new (tap class, 10 Mandarin character/per mth, or ...) - In Progress...
9. Read 40 books - In Progress... 19 of 40
10. Watch 10 new movies (half while still in theaters) - DONE! 

 

 

 

 

 

Since the last post I think we've seen a few more movies such as "Captain America 3: The Civil War", "The Darkness", "X-Men Apocalypse", and "Through the Looking Glass".  So a lot of movies this year.  And will likely be seeing "Me Before You" this weekend with a friend.  And maybe one other movie for the fam. 

 

But right now going to try to work on this short story that's been tinkering in my head for the last week.  I only know a tiny bit so we'll see where it goes... who knows maybe this one might lend itself to being more someday. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May Resolution Update and MD REVISIONS COMPLETE (2nd Draft)

Before I get into the update just have to give myself a pat on the back for sticking to my revised/extended deadline to get through revisions for MD.  It was not easy and every time I thought I didn't have much longer to go something would happen to hang me up.  But yesterday I hit my 5/1 target for draft 2.2 and it feels good.  Planning to step away for a bit, find some brave souls to read it and try to feed my brain with some other works. 

I screamed a tiny bit when I hit the end yesterday.  My attempt to contain the thrill I felt.  At any rate without further ado...

New month, woo hoo!  Also time for a check in on the progress of my resolutions.  Doing well in some areas and slacking in others. 

1. Complete the revision for another novel (TYW or OTTM/TMO) - In Progress... So I finished the revision of MD but I didn't list it here so me thinks maybe I didn't want to count it... which sucks now, lol
2. Complete the first draft for an open project (i.e. the revenge deity story, faux immortality story, porch story, or mistress for hire)
3. Aim for 10 - 15k / per month (daily goal will be 500) - In Progress
4. Pay off 2 additional debts (most likely two credit cards) - - COMPLETE - Chase & PricelineRV
5. Self publish a work  - In Progress... Thinking it'll be MD
6. Write 15 short stories - 2/of 15 Making this red since I'm behind
7. Visit/travel to a new place
8. Learn something new (tap class, 10 Mandarin character/per mth, or ...) - In Progress...Still trying to learn to skate even though I'm still traumatized from the March incident
9. Read 40 books - In Progress... 15 of 40 so far
10. Watch 10 new movies (half while still in theaters) - DONE!  It's been a movie watching sort of year.  I've seen - "The Peanuts Movie", "The Fifth Wave"', "How to be Single", "Deadpool", "London Has Fallen", "10 Cloverfield Lane", "Miracles From Heaven", "and "Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice" (twice), "The Jungle Book", "The Boss", and "The Barbershop"

April Resolution Update

I figure checking in on this monthly at the beginning will help keep me accountable -

1. Complete the revision for another novel (TYW or OTTM/TMO) - In Progress
2. Complete the first draft for an open project (i.e. the revenge deity story, faux immortality story, porch story, or mistress for hire)
3. Aim for 10 - 15k / per month (daily goal will be 500) - In Progress
4. Pay off 2 additional debts (most likely two credit cards) - - COMPLETE - Chase & PricelineRV
5. Self publish a work
6. Write 15 short stories - 2/of 15 so far
7. Visit/travel to a new place
8. Learn something new (tap class, 10 Mandarin character/per mth, or ...) - In Progress...Still trying to learn to skate even though I'm still traumatized from the March incident
9. Read 40 books - In Progress... 11 of 40 so far
10. Watch 10 new movies (half while still in theaters) - - Almost there... so far I've caught "The Peanuts Movie", "The Fifth Wave"', "How to be Single", "Deadpool", "London Has Fallen", "10 Cloverfield Lane", "Miracles From Heaven", "and "Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice" (twice)

Writing Prompts - Art "The Feeding"

So every time I see this image I feel a story stirring

Image here - "The Feeding" by Bruce Brenneise - https://www.artstation.com/artwork/YrV1P

Originally when I saw this art it was at a very shallow level meaning I hadn't observed the blood or the clutched hand at the dress, granted the hand might not have been there when I first saw it.  But immediately I had this idea of a story but then I saw the title, noticed the hand, observed the candles and another narrative took shape. 

I still like the original story I had in mind and will likely write it but another idea has definitely formed in the question of 'who feed on whom'...

Hopefullly I'll take some time to work on this within the next week and it'll be my short story for April. 

March Short Story - Dark Lies

Word Count:  1819

               

 

             More than a week had passed since my laptop was stolen from the new café.  New to me I should say, I’d only been there on one other occasion trying to find my footing when I gave the thief a crime of opportunity or was it considered an opportune crime.  I wasn’t sure.  Maybe that’s why my writing was terrible.  My only regret was all the failed stories of magic they might come across if curiosity struck which I doubted. 

                As I sat in the police station feeling stupid to be reporting said incident it occurred to me that said officer taking the report might be thankful for the paperwork disruption.  According to him crimes like this happened and if I really wanted it back I could hang out around sites like Craigslist until it eventually would post as a ‘used’ or ‘refurbished’ laptop. 

                “It could be worse,” the officer offered.  “There could be naked photos you floating around by now.”

                My eyes quipped.  “Why would that be?”

                He shrugged, “People with vendettas photo shop nasty images all the time.  Women especially.”  He didn’t continue.  And I wasn’t sure if he meant women were victims most of the time or the perpetrators.  I also wasn’t sure if this cop was intentionally looking for a write up of the suspension kind or if he was just had no filter for these sort of things.

                After a day I’d give up with checking the various sites it might appear on.  By the second day I’d lost any hope of ever seeing the laptop again and on the third day I drank to the stories I’d lost due to forgetting to back them up.  All signs pointed to giving up this writing thing.  It had shown not to work out and frankly I wasn’t sure if I was improving. 

                But then I was contacted by thief. 

 

                The thief wasn’t what expected but nor had the weather.  For days I dreaded the encounter.  Questioned my sanity, wondered if it was too late to get the police involved, would he show if I did… He’d never made any straight out demands which I’d found odd but when I saw the email –

I have your laptop.  I’d like to return it.  Meet me at the café.

 

I’m not sorry.

 

That last line always did it.  It was what made the part of me that wanted to be angry rage against a padded room, arms appropriately buckled down because I wanted to just lose it.  Why I had this in mind was probably a testament to my own mental standing but I figured it was better than wanting to harm him.  And in some scenarios I did.  I’d pictured how it’d all go down how the wind would whip just as I stepped.  Immediately I’d feel him watching.  He’d sit elegantly, my laptop in a bag near his casually propped legs as he took tentative sips from his mug.  Because I knew my thief would not fit some cookie cutter stereotype. 

In some ways I’d been right and in others ways I hadn’t.  But when I arrived before he did and on a beautiful sunny day no less, no wind to whip my recently blown out afro into it’s natural element and no overcast skies I had to rework my expectations.  I had to give chance to the possibility I would, without a doubt, be absolutely wrong about this entire encounter.  I might even find I was being pranked which had been a scenario but very low on the totem pole due to the amount of timing, lack of friends, and the fact I’d given more weight to the idea there was never a laptop at all. 

So I waited for him to show.  I stood at the front of the café for naught.  No one waved me down.  In fact there weren’t many people inside for a Monday morning, granted it was a town holiday so the hustle and bustle might happen later in the day once everyone was done sleeping in from weekend hangovers. 

I walked to the counter that was stationed with your typical run of the mill acne ridden teenage kid that had more of a D&D air about him rather than holiday on the beach.  It was a non event.  In a non event type of place.  On a non event type of day.  And this would be a non event type of event because my thief had a pension for jokes.  I pictured them reading one of my stories which undoubtedly had my contact information on the cover page and instead of just wiping my hard drive he preferred a bit of a fun.  So maybe he was here.  I looked at the family seated by the window, near the two seated table I’d imagine him at and thought that father definitely looks suspect as he battles his kid for the sippee cup.  Definitely a career criminal with his khaki shorts, hairy legs, and “World’s Second Worst Dad” chocolate stained shirt.  At least I hoped it was chocolate as I took a seat that allowed me to watch him. 

“Care if I join you,” a voice said.  I turn my head away and find a tall woman with dark wet wavy hair that comes to her shoulders.  She’s dressed simple – black cami and dark blue jeans with a newspaper tucked underneath her arms – and looking only at me.  I stare at her and I know she’s staring down at least early 40’s, maybe late 30’s but my eyes wander across her once more, the canvas of her and she doesn’t shuffle nervously but takes the seat aggressively.   “You took too long.”

I think I want to say sorry.  I think I probably should say sorry for my blatant ogling and I think I might even be but my mouth only hangs open before finally offering, “okay.”  The woman shuffles things about reaching beneath the table and leaving with her wallet in hand.  She goes to order a drink with her newspaper still tucked beneath her arms.  I watch as she places her orders, stand off to the side and massages her shoulder before unfolding the paper to read a tiny bit.  She sips hesitantly as she makes her way back over to me, her eyes glued to the article.  Her body collapses so effortlessly it’s as if she’d never been erect. 

The bell rang signaling a customer entry and it brought me back.  More so the gentleman that walked in brought me back.  I watched him, felt drawn to him and the black bag slung over his shoulder.  He met my eyes once and a smile formed before he turned away.  I heard the woman across from me snicker and noticed her eyes were no longer buried in the article but wholly on me.

“You’re not very good at poker are you?” she asks leaning in and I notice how warm her chocolate eyes are against her olive skin.  How inviting yet so sinister they are, her lips are quirked as if she’s heard my thoughts and she mouths a words so slowly I’m not sure I’m seeing things. 

“I’ve never played,” I answer honestly.

“I believe you,” she says drawing back and taking another sip of her coffee.  Fighting my eyes, fighting the desire to stare at her with that cup pressed against her lower lip I look back to the front for the guy.  But he is no longer there.  I start to look around when she leans in again and the action alone demands my full attention. 

“What did you come here for?” she ask me and the question catches me off guard, “what do you want?  Anything up there you like specifically?  I’ll get it.  My way of apologizing for being rude earlier,” she smiles. 

“I’m fine.”

“That’s a lie.”  Her eyes are wild.  “What do you want?”  The air stills.  Steam billows from the front, utensils clatter, an order is yelled, and my shoulder is tapped.  She smiles.  I turn and it’s him.  Smiling down at me. 

“Sorry to bother you,” he says never looking away from me.  He adjusts his black rimmed glasses and ignores the woman sitting opposite me.  I feel her eyes on me all the while.  “The guy at the front said you forgot this,” he had a pastry in a bag. 

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t order anything.”

“It’s mine,” the woman says reaching between us to grab it from his hand.  “Thanks sweetie.  Run along now.”

He smiles at us both, nods, and then walks away.  What just happened?  What’s happening?  “This is for you,” she says handing the same pasty bag over to me.  “Take it before I change my mind about you.” 

I shift in my seat and make my way to stand.  She laughs.  I pack up my things in a hurry as her laughter bellows.  A few people turn in our direction but no one steps over.   World’s Second Worst Dad offers a tepid smile as he wrangles a knife from the child that’s more mobile. 

I swing my bag over my shoulder, abandon my drink, and exit the café vowing to never return to it.  I get to my car and throw my things into the passenger seat.  The warmth of the sun beating down on me, reminding me the day is too beautiful to be filled with such darkness.  It doesn’t match me.  It doesn’t match my twisted insides.  It doesn’t feel natural.

And the woman just sits there, in all her beauty watching me.  Her smile still riding her lips.  I don’t see the guy anymore, the one who fit my bill, the one who might’ve had decided to return my laptop if not for her.  She is looking at me more intently, curving her finger beckoning me to come back.  I get in my car and slam the door.  Squealing out of the lot I hit the road at a menacing speed and it feels good. 

I’m racing down.  I want to stop feeling.  I want to just tap out.  I want the magic of my stories to be real.  I reach over into the seat to find the cigarettes I vowed to give up only to hear the rattling of a pastry bag but aside from that is the solidness I hadn’t expected.  I swerve to the side of the road, throw the car into park and pull out what I suspect I already know.

I know.

I know. 

Pulling out my laptop I spot the yellow stickie with an elegant script with three simple words scribbled onto it-

Thanks for breakfast.

I toss the note and see there’s something on the other side.  And that’s when I notice my wallet is gone.  I look over to the note, it’s staring at me and I know. 

I know. 

 

I’m not sorry. 

Back to Somewhere - Prologue

I am tired and have some writing related things to say but again I'm tired after attempting to make Mexican gumbo tonight then doing meds and cleaning... Yeah I just want to pass out with a book in my hand. 

With that said I figured I'd share some bits from B2S for a day such as this.  Hopefully I'll get to the short story for this month and since it's my bday month I'll torture myself by posting TWO stories this month.  That's the goal at least.

At any rate, without further ado the very rough 1st draft of B2S prologue -

Prologue:  The Last Time

 

                I was nowhere at all.  I hadn’t gotten as far I liked and yet I felt I’d come closer than I ever had in shaking it. 

                I had a habit.  Several of them actually but the most disturbing were the ones that put my body in cruise control to the point I didn’t realize how I’d ended somewhere until my mind decided to register the surrounding.  There were many times I found myself back in this basement having sworn off returning to it.  It’d taken so much of me already.  I had so much trouble with everything and everyone the more the time passed.  There were days I couldn’t tell what was real anymore.  Those were the worst. 

                “I’m real.”

So much time had passed since I’d seen him.  Felt his touch as it lingered along the delicate curves of my body.  I dreamt of those lips that teased in their hesitation as they hovered over my most sensitive parts.  I wanted him still.  His was a presence I sought time and time again.  Even when I was there it was never enough. 

 

Watching really wasn’t my thing.  Without meaning to it became my thing despite my own feelings when I was under inspection.  But here I found myself again at the coffee shop, observing the people from behind a carefully placed book.  I was reading, when I remembered to, but it was a book recommendation from a friend and those couldn’t be given too much consideration.  And this one wasn’t holding my attention as much as wondering about the lives of the people at the present moment. 

The people here offered me the temporary escape from my mind, my work, my life... from me.  I couldn't keep doing this.  It needed to stop.  This thirst for constantly escaping grew more into a problem with each passing day.  I turned away from the people, away from the desired reprieve, and placed the book on the table.  My eyes dropped to the coffee mug clasped within my hands and I stared into it, the rich blackness not offering much of a reflection. 

                Every year it was the same.  I didn't know when it would stop.  The missing part, the 'it' hurts' sequel that was my life.  I had an idea for a fix.  But that's all it was, an idea and I wasn't sure if it would work.  My notes were spread out in front of me but I had no real idea how to approach this endeavor, how much I might be risking but I couldn't deny how much I needed it. 

My mind filled with all the responsibilities that kept my body physically bound.  Most of all I couldn't leave her.  She might not need me and while I could picture myself leaving everyone else behind, I couldn't do it to her. 

Sighing I looked out the window and the dreary weather.  It was supposed to be sunny today, blue skies, and warm temps.  Instead there were flashes of heavy rain that seemed to move in between reasonable to ridiculous.  It was what kept me longer.  My morning routine of coffee and people watching before work had expired but I held out the hope the rain would lighten back to reasonable.  Long enough for me to get where I needed to go.  Except ten minutes into waiting this still had yet to happen.

The weather was moody, atmospheric in a brooding way whenever the rain did let up a little.  It was this weather that kept me from truly wanting to escape because this was real.  This was life.  And you could drown in its misery or smile at its complexity.  To me it was an either or situation.  

When another couple minutes passed I began to make an effort to get up when a town car pulled into the parking sport directly in front of my window seat.  I continued to sit, watching, waiting, curious about the life. 

I gave my mind two.  Two scenarios were allotted and I could spin these tales then leave.  I couldn't afford to stay any longer because the sadness was settling in me.  My bones ache but it was the tightening in my chest and the long blinks which told me I leave now or risk an emotional public breakdown again. 

Just as I began to imagine a pair of combat boots stepping out of the fancy black town car my phone buzzed in my pocket.  Checking the time I was due to hear from her.  True to form the "Are you here?" text was right on time.  "Or are you there again?" she followed up.  My eyes was glued on the screen when the car door slammed and I found myself staring at an elderly woman stepping out of the sleek town car.  I smiled.  I liked surprises  Returning back to the screen unsure of how to reply.  It was the first time she'd followed up with such a question so I answered the way I always did and tried to play for nonchalance by adding an emoji when I sent my "No, I'm not there... :) " 

She didn't respond which was nothing unusual.  Sometimes it was like that so I tried not to dwell even as the guilt for not answering her other question covet my brain and any other thing I could be bothered to think about.  Gathering my things up I headed for the counter and the room grew still.  So quiet.  My phone buzzed again.

"Are you here or have you gone back?"

This was unlike all the other times.  Just the idea of it caused beads of sweat to form atop my forehead as I stared at it.  A chill swept pass my neck and I swiped at the phantom crawling sensation that followed. 

  "You're there aren't you?"

 

Was I being watched?  My skin prickled in odd places.  Places I could reach and others I couldn't unless I intended to strip and molest myself in front of an unsuspecting crowd of functioning members of society.  I looked up from my phone expecting to see all eyes on me because of course she knew.  She knew even when I didn't. 

  There were times days had passed.  So much that I hadn't known that I hadn't measured when one day ended and the next began.  They should've been in sync, I thought they were but I still never placed them.  Everything rolled one on top of the other like wave upon wave, they came in sequence without an indication of an interruption. 

So when came to me I was surprised after I'd come up for air I was happy to have something.  Something waiting for me.  No, not something but someone.  A lunch date was even better.

  It was another overcast day.  In checking the time missed it was clear in truth I hadn't missed much once again.  Little things like that made it easier to justify my actions.  As I walked the familiar path to the pub and observed a father jogging with his toddler in a stroller or the young woman struggling to manage her array of dog breeds I felt the reality of what I 'missed' further solidified.  The world moved on without so much as a blink. 

Arriving at the pub I waited to cross the street.  I hated this street.  I hated the people that were always in a rush.  I hated the street for all the bad moments that always seemd tfind me when I was there.  I hated what it robbed me of.  I hated most for the lives it'd taken. 

The moment I was given the clear to cross I sprinted across the street and instead of going inside, I walked directly through the wrought iron patio gate and spot her immediately despite the strange updo and sunglasses covering those familiar eyes.  She's here before me as usual.

She senses me before she sees me.  The frown weighting down her features lifts momentarily as she stands, sacrifices a pathetic smile to the Gods, and wraps a wimpy arm around my body.  I think it was meant to be a hug.  And if it were any other day were I was down too, it'd be a perfectly acceptable one but I know better.  This isn't her.  At the time I hadn't given much thought to a lot of how she was had been in direct correlation to my choice to stay.

"Hi, how are you?"

I looked at her.  The conversation seeming weird already with the stilted pleasantries.  "Is something wrong" I ask rather than waste time.  She offers me another one of her false smiles and I match.  Let's rumble I think jokingly but when she squares her shoulder I wonder what I'm in for. 

I can see her overthinking.  She's choosing her next words carefully and with an exasperate sigh she lays it in on me, "You can't keep doing this."

I open my mouth to respond but she interrupts before I can speak.  "It's not healthy anymore."

                This again I think.  We've had this discussion before.  "I know there's thing you're trying to do, to figure out but I was never fully sure this was the route and now I think it's become a problem."  She removed the sunglasses from her face and the deep circles outlining her eyes told me I was seeing myself reflected.  Were those not the same eyes I'd seen countless times before staring back at me.  "Your in denial," she continued.  "You've always been."  

"I'm still me," I interject.  "Nothing's changed."

"No, that's the problem things have changed.  How long were you gone this last time?  Do you even keep record of it?"

"I'm still me," I repeat deciding I'm not quite ready for the world yet.  The waiter comes to our table just then and starts to reach for his pad, "I'm fine," I say getting up to go.  I know this I wrong.  This isn't the mature thing to do.

"You have a problem."

Her words follow me home.  Echoing into the empty space and I stare at my work.  I want to escape.  I want to get away.  Because in the silence everything finds me.  He finds me.  And I can feel him.  He's coming up behind me.  HIs smell is intoxicating.  I lean into him and feel as he strengthens his grasp around me body.  Where have you been he asks.  Why have I gone so long without seeing him.  It hasn't been that long but the time here is so different.  This is real I hear him whispering into my ears just as hot air warms my neck.  He places a peck there raises his lips back to my ear, "I'm real." 

 

I was home again.  Home was always an odd place because it was the place I felt most like me but it was always where I wasn't.  Where I had permission to not be but she'd been right then, now, and tomorrow.  I wasn't solving the problem.  I just managed to circle the issue without ever handling it.  I knew this last time would be it, had been it.  And I knew what needed to come next as much as it hurt.

         Part of moving on meant letting go.  I need to do this, to stop justifying the pictures I kept for the memories and lying about for whose benefit they still clung to walls for even if I'd began to believe the lie.  I knew the truth and so did she.  There were too many enablers in my life.  That a step, right?  To admit that.  To confirm the denial.  To recognize the problem was saturated in everything about this house. 

I hadn't finished though.  I'd come close.  Part of me, the part that was likely feeding the need was deluded by the idea of just 'one more time'.  That's what it always amounted to really.  Just one more time.  And then I could give it up.  I could let it go.

But you never do.

No.  I never did let it go.  I might go without but I eventually came back to this place, to this idea that I could so on that first day I made a plan to break it down, take it apart.  I would no longer be a victim by my own hands.  Satisfied with the what the plan I laid out I settled into my office  Looking around at the colorful room and the random items that decorated the wall.  Large black and white photos of family, movie posters, and random articles framed that we'd approved of.  It was there I noticed the apartment, the one I had whenever I was there.  The articles weren't just there for their scientific value, these basement walls was a living breathing vision board. 

Despite knowing this I could feel my body sweating with the want.  The need to escape to that place. 

For just one more time. 

No.  No more.  That was it.  I wouldn’t.   I looked over to the erect pod.  It was in stand-by daytime mode.  It wasn’t how I’d left it.  I tried not think too hard on why it was no longer horizontal and why it seemed primed for me.  Just waiting for me to make the decision like it knew I always had before.  If history was any indication of behavior this was the moment.

This was the moment I sigh and drop my hands into my head in defeat. 

This was the moment I said “I’m not going to do this to her again.”

This was the moment I would think of all the reasons why I shouldn’t.  And all the reasons I wanted.  And all the reasons I would.

This was the moment I felt him guiding me from my seat.

This was the moment he nibbled my neck, my ear, and whispered, “I’m real.”

This was the moment my body remembered the light kisses from my neck to navel, navel to hip, hip to…

This was the moment my mind swam with thoughts of the sensual overload I was denying it.

This was the moment my mouth sighed, my back arched, and my hands clutched riding the phantom orgasm.

 

This was the moment I always decided…  This was going to be the last time.  The last time I gave into my habit. 

March Day! Resolutions Update Post

After finishing the draft for B2S last week I've been just trying to relax.  I did adjust the date for draft 2.2 of MD to the end of April I believe.  However seeing as I did finish the one draft last week after a bit of a winter storm knocked my power out I was able to use the time to finish up writing once it was back on.  And now I need to find a chaise.  Which I said I'd reward myself with once I finished since my back would definitely appreciate it. 

At any rate it's March and I had though to work on a short story tonight but seeing as I'm still recovering from a book AND tired from sweeping/mopping I'm thinking I'd rather read for a bit before passing out. 

With that said I thought I'd at least sort of look at where I'm at with resolutions and post an update:

1. Complete the revision for another novel (TYW or OTTM/TMO) - In Progress
2. Complete the first draft for an open project (i.e. the revenge deity story, faux immortality story, porch story, or mistress for hire)
3. Aim for 10 - 15k / per month (daily goal will be 500) - In Progress
4. Pay off 2 additional debts (most likely two credit cards) - - Hoping to take care of this during the month
5. Self publish a work
6. Write 15 short stories - 1/of 15 so far
7. Visit/travel to a new place
8. Learn something new (tap class, 10 Mandarin character/per mth, or ...) - In Progress... Skating thought I didn't go last weekend and the weekend prior I was still traumatized from the week before then when I fell and hit my head
9. Read 40 books - In Progress... 10 of 40 so far
10. Watch 10 new movies (half while still in theaters) - - In Progress... so far I've caught "The Peanuts Movie", "The Fifth Wave"', "How to be Single", and "Deadpool"

That's all for tonight.  Going to mosey off and hopefully get through two more books this week.  Finished "Me Before You" yesterday and hoping to at least read two more before digging back into MD.  And hoping that when I do it'll be from the comfort of a cozy chaise. 

Writing Final-ish Scenes and "Deadpool"

So there are 11 days left in February and about another 15k outstanding in my current WIP.  Well something interesting happened last night.  After catching "Deadpool" with a friend once I got back in, I sat down to write and I actually did.  Which is odd because when I sit down to write I normally burn an hour doing others stuff I don't need to be doing.  I think there were several factors at play last night such as:
1. Being on a bit of an inspired kick after seeing "Deadpool" and the idea of breaking that fourth wall
2. Limited time, I knew I had to be up early today so I couldn't mess around and was trying to get to bed early asap
3. Scene in mind ... and sometimes that makes the difference, other times it doesn't but I'd been playing around with a scene in my head that actually didn't land as I thought it would

The scene not going as planned ended up causing me to actually go into what is the final-ish scene for "Back to Somewhere" which is at 45k now.  But there are still some loose ends so I'm thinking there will either be one more chapter then an epilogue or just one massive epilogue.  I'm also thinking if this ends up being at 50k rather than 60k I'm okay with that as well since I think I'll end up adding scenes during the revision.  As there were things that came up during the draft that I wanted to incorporate.

I always had a final line in mind for B2S but I haven't had the chance to write it in yet.  I'm hoping to capture in the next bits I add.  And fingers crossed I finish this weekend so I can treat myself to a comfy writing chair AND finish MD revisions. 

Btw, Deadpool was quite entertaining.  Definitely not for the little ones but worth viewing.  Especially see as it gave a bit of proverbial kick to the writerly brain.  Also we saw it at the Moolah theater on Weds night so the tix were only $5!  Good deal :)

I think I'm one movie away from accomplishing a goal for this year.  Off to read. 

An eventful weekend thus far and Happy SAD!

Technically it's 2/14 which means it's Singlehood Awareness Day! 

Or Valentines Day for the locals ;)

Oye so on Friday I took the day off from work to hole up at BreadCo again.  Again I got in another 5k  ::does a mental happy dance::  I've begun to setup for the descent and have learned a couple things in writing it which have been cool (and quite helpful for when I revise). 

Then today, Saturday (well... yesterday), we did what is now week 3 of skating.  Before I report on the incident from there let me just say that I found myself getting my balance a bit better this week AND made it around the rink 7x.  Last week I went 3.  And my niece's mom pointed out that only a non-skater would count the amount of times they went around the rink.  But I need to have measured progress so I'm counting until it's more natural.  With that said on the last lap I took a pretty bad fall.  I feel correctly, meaning I landed on my butt but the momentum of the fall also caused my head to hit the floor too.  What happened?  Well one of the more experienced skaters was skating backwards and saw me a little too late and since I'm still learning, my control wasn't quite there to dodge the collision when I realized what was about to happen.  So of course I fell and he maintained.   And when I say my head hit the ground, IT HIT.  And it hurt.  Now... hours later I'm starting to feel soreness in one cheek of my butt and the left side of my neck/collarbone is hurting.  Did have a momentary headache earlier but it went away. 

Though I think I might be due for a migraine based on the Pepsi I had drank while writing at BreadCo. After the fall my nieces rushed over and wanted to hold my hand to finish out the last lap.  A couple guys helped me up once I seemed to  be with it again.  This week more of the family showed out for the learning skating session and we ate at Waffle House afterwards.  The niece had fun being able to hang out with her cousins.  Later she got her hair down and when I came to pick her up she told me today was the best day ever.  People... it's cliché but it's true - it really is about the little things and for kids simple things like this make all the difference.  Last Saturday she thought it was the best day ever too.  It was the first time she had Waffle House and really LOVED the waffle she got. 

While the niece was getting her hair done I had packed my laptop prepared to get in some writing before meeting up with a friend to see a movie.  And I did sneak in some writing before the movie started from our comfy theater seats.  That's right I wrote in the theater during the 20 minutes before the trailers started.  We were originally going to see "Deadpool" but it was sold out so we watched "How to Be Single" instead and both found it hilarious. 

And unrelated but had to share.  I'm so getting better with my budget.  I remember I used to go way over sometimes with the groceries even when I wrote out list and planned.  Today I only went over by 10 bucks!  And that was with no handwritten list.  I just worked it from my memory and was constantly asking myself what I think I can cook and what do I have at home now to work with.  So yay me.  Heck at one store where my budget was 50 I was under and had 11 cents to spare.  And I'd be worried I'd gone over there. 

At any rate I should be jetting off since it's laundry day plus I'd like to get in a bit more writing and/or reading before I pass out. 

My Dedicated Valentine - Short Story

                For our anniversary my girl got me a pair of diamond studs, watch, and new jacket.  I was anxiously awaiting for today’s surprise.  It seemed every day there was something new coming from her.  While she worked, I was at home.  For years I’d been the struggling musician.  She’d had her hard years on the streets as well but it was because of these lows that we found each other. 

I still struggled to find solid work but on certain days I felt good.  On these days where the job lead might pan out to something more; I’d find myself returning to the apartment, picking up my ukulele, and starting my composition of the ultimate ballad.  I didn’t have much but I did have my music.  So every day I worked on her song.  The verse I knew -  

 The rain on your cheeks

Mixes with the tears from your eyes

I know my girl weeps

I’ve heard her story

And for all her worries

My soul is hers to keep

               

                Those lines stayed with me.  Whenever I sang them I felt the pitter patter of my heart go from steady to rapid.  Even the quiet lull of the rain couldn’t calm the feeling that thoughts of her spurred.  So when the sky turned to dusk and the dusk changed to night I worried.  My girl hadn’t come home.  She worked until six every day and she wasn’t the type to not call.  I’d never tried calling her at work especially since my phone had been shut off recently.  I now regretted not letting her pay it.  Instead I headed across the hall to the neighbors door.  The creaky floors probably announcing me before my first knock. 

                Mrs. Ray was a sweet lady.  I couldn’t tell how old she was and sometimes when she caught me staring she’d give a good lashing with her tongue by saying “Boy, didn’t anybody tell you?  Black don’t crack, now move along my story on.”  And with Mrs. Ray no matter what time of the day it was, her ‘stories’ were always on. 

                She swung her door open immediately, “What chall want t’day?”

                I smile and try to fight back the nervous foot to foot shuffle, “May I use your phone please?”

                Her brow raises, “My phone?  My lil old corded thing?  Ain’t you kidz all about having the screens that walk and talk with ya?  Why you need my outdated reliable cord?”

                Mrs. Ray might lead you to believe she wasn’t hip to the technology but I’d seen her with a smartphone so I knew she possessed one.  Why she felt the need to make point of my ‘youth’ was one of those default characteristics of an aging population that always needed to make you feel inferior for your inherit stupidity for being your age.  No doubt.  I could have been the founder of some huge start up knocking at her door to offer her a free gadget and she’d still give me a good dose of her anecdotal lashings, ‘Boy you still wet behind the ear.  Move along now, my story bout to come on.’ 

                Disregarding my want to point out her usage of technology I instead inform her of the current situation.  She listens with intent but I can tell part of her mind is wondering what she might be missing in her story.  Her patience is being tested.  “I’ll be quick,” I tell her, “it’ll only be but a second to phone her office.” 

                “Wait now,” she says her attention full on me.  “How long you say she been gone now?”

                “Since she left for work this morning?”

                “What time migh’ dat a been?”

                “Sometime after 8, why does it matter?”

                Mrs. Ray rocks back on her heels and tsks, “Boy, that chil’ ain’t been going to no work.  Seems to me she been up to no good.  Police were here bout dat time.  Saw them cuffin’ someone and loading them on the bus.  Yeah she went to work alright.” 

                I open my mouth but no words come out.  I’m torn between telling Mrs. Ray about her human worth and attempt to defend my girl in the same breath when I’m hit with a look.  Mrs. Ray, for all her talk, is no nonsense and she’s telling me with that look alone I know better. 

                And I do.   Which is why it hurts so much.  Mrs. Ray lets me in but instead of calling the number I had written on the back of a card I call the downtown police station because I have it memorized.  Me and my girl, her more than me, has had it rough.  Her years on the street were plagued with her constant thievery looking for that next score.  But my girl wasn’t a thief.  She’s an opportunist.  Before then she was an artist and before that someone’s daughter.  That stuff still haunts her.  How quick people will turn on you, to throw you away as if you were a thing meant to be discarded.

                It’s my own denial too.  Me and her we’ve come a long way so when someone confirms she was booked and the things she’s stolen I don’t hesitate.  I pack them with me.  As I walk in the rain I compose her song.  I’ll work on it until the day I die.  When it feels right.  Until we’re right.  Until the day comes our past stop negating the choices of our future selves.  I’ll continue to make this walk.  She’s my girl and even in all her imperfections, my soul is still hers to keep.