But I had more so been leaning toward a random movie as I've been wanting to check out "Midsommar" now that its back at theaters. Long story short I had a meltdown with myself this morning. Feeling as though, recognizing, I have this habit of wanting to do something for myself but then loading a bunch of things in front of it (in trying to take care of others) that I put myself behind.
It was a mixed emotion of anger but really, mostly, hurt from the callout. So then my plans for the morning started to stray from the direction but I kept reminding myself that it'll work out, whatever needs to happen will happen.
And thus in returning some overdue items to the library I decide I'll camp out to work. Well as I was returning some books and DVD's explaining an issue with one of them that I previously tried to return (DVD box didn't align to the actual DVD, turns out I checked it out that way) and noticed there was activity in the meeting room. It hit me at that moment that I had my treat ^_^
So I played Book Bingo, won 4 tickets that I was able to redeem for items the library had on their Sale Shelf which were "Becoming" by Michelle Obama (been meaning to check it out) and a few DVDs - "La La Land", "Kubo & the Two Strings", and "Black Panther". The movies are ones I've seen that I like re-watching.
But the reason for the post isn't about the goodies. And not about the fact I managed this task by DOUBLE treating myself (bingo plus finishing a book).
The post is about the morning meltdown to myself.
The post is about how I played Book Bingo.
It's about how I chose to win my day.
Let me explain... Something happened, really simple, while playing book bingo. Bingo is an easy game. Letter/number combination called out and you mark your card if you have it, wait until you have a line (horizontal or vertical) or four corners covered before shouting "BINGO!"
I learned something about myself while playing the game. Because I decided to step back and take note on how I played a simple game. How my mind strategized. The want to swap out cards when I would seemingly get close to a win but then didn't. The order in which I held my chips. The fact there needed to be order. The intent, the memorizing the numbers I needed to hear to achieve the goal. The voice that kept whispering to relax, just have fun, be present and just enjoy the moment...
When I remembered this or gave myself permission to let go and just be free, to lessen the reigns I won. And said aloud "I was starting to think I wasn't going to win..."
Aye, that thought, the moment I said it I had to acknowledge it. What I was saying. What I wasn't saying...
So I let go. And tried to remember to let go. Be okay when I dropped a chipped or if I wasn't holding them in my left hand a particular way. Or that I missed some numbers. It was going to be okay. I would be okay. It felt like something larger was taking shape and before I knew it I won again. And again. And again.
I looked at the bowl of chips as the abundance that life offers. That all I need but do is reach over and grab it. I don't need to be afraid. I don't need to control....
So yeah... I treated myself to something unexpected today. I'm grateful for the continued opportunities where I do step back.
Three things I'm grateful for today:
- Intent, the ability to focus and hone our attention
- the new story, ready to jump back into it and add some words
- libraries... they are so frickin' great, makes me think about MD
Speaking of, finally got the new cover uploaded yesterday! Will hopefully push it by next week.
And I shall be off. Going to try to get in some words.
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